Do you ever get the feeling that you are not living your life for yourself? That everything you do seems to be for someone else? Be it an actual errant you have to run or that simply living your own life somehow feels like you’re doing it for the gratification or validation of others.

I have found myself on multiple occasions in situations like this. And let me tell you, it is not fun second guessing every single thing you do. “Am I doing this for myself or for the thought someone else might approve of me?” – Unfortunately, these types of thoughts are not unfamiliar to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and everything in it. And I know that everything I do is solely to bring myself joy. Well not exclusively, but if something doesn’t bring me joy or the act itself is just to please others or for their approval, I’m not doing it.

It sounds all really dark what I’m saying and I don’t want you to think that I am not in a right mindset at the moment. The opposite is true in fact. Over the last two years I’ve been working on finding myself again, and especially over the last couple of months I am getting closer to the person I truly want to be.

I’ve never been happier in and with my life since my “big shift” at the end of 2020. So why do these random thoughts keep popping up that I am not good enough? If you believe in spirituality and the universe guiding you I do have some theories. A big aspect of knowing that you are getting really close to finding your “purpose” or that everything will work out and the universe is helping you finding your path, is two-fold. On one hand everything seems to be going amazing, everything is going your way and all the signs are there that you are doing the right thing. On the other hand, you feel like life is pulling you down and the struggles that you face seem bigger and more impactful than ever before.

I myself don’t know if I believe all this. But I do know that I am experiencing highs and lows more often than I would like to, or than I’m used to. And that is okay. Because at the end of the day it will always be up to me to choose happiness. It’s not about the approval of others or doubting that you’ll ever be good enough. It will always be me. I am my own ride or die, even if someone will ride with me in this life it will always be up to me if I choose happiness or validation.

Validation from others is nice from time to time, but in the end it is not what gets me through the day. Validation in itself will never dictate how I choose to feel. Living your life searching for validation will only put you down in the end. Because what happens when you don’t get the validation you were asking for? You will feel miserable. And that is because you let your happiness depend on the actions of others. And trust me, it is not worth pulling yourself down for others, it never will be.

So again I’ll say, I will always choose happiness over validation. And when I have a bad day or bad week it is okay. No one is happy all the time and sometimes you just don’t feel like yourself. All you need to do is just push through for a little bit, go to sleep and see what the morning brings.

On a serious note: if you feel like you can’t get out of a dark place on your own, please reach out to family, friends or specialists.

Do you feel this way sometimes? And what do you do to get out of a dark place? I would love to know and share similar experiences.

Take care and keep on writing!

-Merel