The honeymoon phase didn’t last, even though I wished that it did. The rose tinted glasses lost their glow and eventually I had to take them off. When I did I finally saw you for who you really were. But I didn’t want to believe it. I kept telling myself that no one is perfect, everyone has their flaws and that I am no different. I kept believing the lies that you told me, all wrapped in pretty colors and a nice bow. I could go wherever I wanted and stay as long as I’d like, do whatever made me happy without second guessing or feeling guilty. But only with your permission and with by my side. I was as free as a bird with a chain tied around its neck. I was free, flying around in a cage created through words and love notes with a sour taste.
I kept telling myself that the cracks in the pavement weren’t so bad. That we could sand it down and fix it up, making it smooth and soft to the touch as how I imagined it was before. Little did I know that with every crack I tried to mend, new ones appeared. Like the roots of a stubborn sapling spreading in all directions and grabbing hold to everything along its path. Like lightning across a clear blue sky, never knowing where it might strike next and burn the ground.
I was trying so hard to fix you for us, for you, for me. But you were a maze with no exit, swerving and spiraling with walls so high I could barely see the sky above. I kept running into dead ends or hidden paths that led to nowhere, running out of breath along the way. I was so busy trying to prove your worth that you didn’t even want to see, that I forgot your worth had nothing to do with me. What’s broken can’t always be fixed but I realized it too late. Because I had already given my all, that I lost myself in the process of trying to fix you.